Promise of a Lifetime
by Capitano
Summary: Post S6. While Sam and Dean try one last attempt to get their winged brother back, something changes in Cas, forcing him to a hard journey to come back home, to the family he left behind. Because who loves comes always back..
1. Chapter 1

**Hi guyz! This is my first fanfic about Supernatural, so please... be kind!^^ ****First of all, I wanna thank a lot ILoveSupernatural for her huge help and for having given me the inspiration for this story.**

**I hope you like it!=)**

**SURPRISE SURPRISE****  
><strong>

_Surprise, surprise  
>I told you lies<br>I thought the truth would set you free  
>Surprise, surprise<br>It isn't all as it seems  
>But who knew you'd wake up from your dreams<em>

_If I told you myself_  
><em>I could've saved you the hell<em>  
><em>Now look who's sorry, God, I'm so sorry<em>  
><em>It's never the right time<em>  
><em>I guess it's do or die<em>

_Just when you think you've got me figured out_  
><em>Just when you think you know me well<em>  
><em>Baby, you've barely even broke the ice<em>  
><em>My river runs wide<em>  
><em>You're not in sight<em>  
><em>But you're closer than you were<em>

I tried to make them understand that everything I've been doing has been for them, but they wouldn't listen, It was as if they didn't give a damn. But for me it was everything. Because it was about them. About my friends. My family.

At that point, I had to ask myself – did they ever care about me?

Dean said he didn't want to lose me. His words would have worked once, but now, they sound empty, untrue to me. If only he'd been more insistent. More convincing. If only he'd gone on talking about the family we were and could have been again. If only he'd said that we were _still_ a family. That I was still his brother. That he would love me as I was, with or without power, like he said once that he would have taken Sam as he was. Love me not for what I did, but for who I was. A brother.

I would have let go of all that power. I would have done everything, _everything_, to make the people I love happy.

But he did nothing of this sort.

He changed the subject and kept talking about the danger of my "juice". The spell broke. Dean was only afraid of my power. It wasn't the love that incited him to say those things. But fear.

If he truly didn't want to lose me, why didn't he stay behind me? Why didn't he accept my help when I told him that I would have saved Ben and Lisa? Why didn't he forgive me when I said I was sorry?

I made a deal with the King of Hell to save the Earth, I've… started a civil war in my home, I lost lots of brothers, many good friends and brothers-in-arms in the fights against Rafael's armies. Dean doesn't even know what a war is. He doesn't have the faintest idea! It's a nightmare. The worse plague ever in the whole universe! Because if it doesn't kill you, it changes you. I changed. War changed me as did my recent betrayal by my friends.

With the power of Purgatory's souls I could have put an end to that war immediately. I was sick and tired of fighting, disgusted to see my brothers being killed and killing each others.

I didn't want anything else but living in peace, on Earth, with my new family. Dean and Sam would have been my new brothers and I would have been glad to help them with their hunts. I would have been with them more often, I would have learnt more about humans' habits and costumes. Earth would have been my second home. I would have been happy, in that simple life.

And Dean.. didn't he want to stop the war? He just told me not to do it but he didn't offer me an alternative, even though my end was near. I was running out of time and means. And allies. I couldn't risk it.

I would have lost everything.

I didn't have a choice.

Is it possible that they didn't understand that whatever I did… I did it for love? Whatever mistakes I made, it was just because I cared about them. People can make mistakes even for love.

But maybe.. it was all an illusion.

I've never been a part of their family.

"_You are not my family, Dean"_

"_I have no family"_

Never had one.

**TBC…**

**Sorry this is short. Next chapter will be longer, I promise. **

**Thanks in advance to everyone who will review. Feel free to tell me everything you think about it!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello! Than****ks to everyone who reviewed! Your words have been a great help and encouragement. Thanx to all of you! Here's the new chapter. Hope you like it **

**BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES**

_I told you everything  
>Opened up and let you in<br>You made me feel alright  
>For once in my life<br>Now all that's left of me  
>Is what I pretend to be<br>So together, but so broken up inside  
>'Cause I can't breathe<br>No, I can't sleep  
>I'm barely hangin' on<em>

_Here I am, once again_  
><em>I'm torn into pieces<em>  
><em>Can't deny it, can't pretend<em>  
><em>Just thought you were the one<em>  
><em>Broken up, deep inside<em>  
><em>But you won't get to see the tears I cry<em>  
><em>Behind these hazel eyes<em>

"…_Or I shall destroy you"_

Cas' statement was followed by a deathly silence, impregnated by panic.

I'd almost puked when I'd seen the "balloon move" but now, I was just going to wet myself. I was literally paralyzed. For an interminable and anguishing minute I couldn't do anything, neither think nor breathe which, at that time, seemed like a luxury. It was like all my thoughts had been cancelled, like my brain had gone completely to short-circuit. The most impossible thing that I believed could happen had just happened. It was like a nightmare.

Holy crap! Cas was totally "gone"! And it was far worse than a Superman passed to the Dark Side: this was about Galactus gone mad!

Judging from the silence behind me, Bobby must have been a lot more petrified than me. On the contrary, Sam looked the most "alive" among us, even with that distraught expression, almost like a crazy, printed on his face. He was breathing with difficulty, as if he was doing exercises of hyperventilation, and he looked a bit unsteady.

I threw a quick look at my brother, looking for any suggestions that could help us to get away with it but, noticing how miraculously he was standing on his own legs, I deduced that he was the last person who could come up with any ideas.

The situation was coming to a head. I had to do something.

Since the diplomatic approach I used before didn't work, I tried the more direct one.

"You're joking, right?" I asked him. Without waiting for his answer, I continued "Cas, are you crazy?"

"No. I'm perfectly healthy" He replied, all calm. "In fact, I've never been better. Now I see clearly things for what they are".

"What do you mean?" I had a really bad feeling about it.

"Don't you see it? At last things will go like they should have. The villains will be punished and the good people will be saved. There won't be violence or corruption or anything like that anymore. Everything will be perfect!" Then he went on, even more self-assured. "You and all other humans have always complained about God never being present, about him never doing anything for you. Well, now things have changed. Now there's a God that really knows how to keep the show going".

"And your first edict is a nice massacre, uh? Congratulations! The premises are really edifying!"

Pointing at his grotesque organic composition painted on the wall, Cas said "Those bastards" he was bending over backwards to contain his rage "made me split the soul during the war. They slaughtered my troops, killed my friends, disheartened my allies and hunted me and my closest brothers almost to death! They. Have. To. Pay"

"You're forgetting your contribution." I replied to his face "Shall we talk about Rachel?"

From the dark flash that crossed his eyes, I knew I had touched a nerve. He withered me with a glance "Rachel betrayed me, as Balthazar did…"

"Balthazar?" I exclaimed. A new wave of panic and dejection suddenly hit me. Did Cas discover his game? "Did you kill him too?" I asked, already knowing his answer. I felt sorrow for that stupid son of a bitch who, despite his unbearable behaviour, had decided to help us in the end. It wasn't right that everyone who had stayed by our side, had to pay with their life.

"It was your fault!" Cas replied with force, almost with fury. In his voice there was a strange tonality, an intense anger that betrayed a note of deep anguish. As it seemed, Cas was still shattered and terribly saddened for having being forced to kill his best friend. "He'd been still alive if you hadn't convinced him to betray me!"

"Bullshit! It's you who changed so much that even your own friends can't recognize you anymore!"

The flash of hurt I catch in Cas' eyes made me bite my tongue. It was all wrong. If I really wanted my best friend back, I had to change my tone. Harsh words and threats had already made me lose him once. It must not happen again. After all, it wasn't his entire fault. But mine too. What a crap of a friend I had been if I hadn't been able to see his despondency he had been bearing all that time, to realize his desperate need for help? He shouldn't have had to come to me. _I_ should have come to him.

"Please, Cas. I don't wanna lose you. You're like a brother to me, you're _my_ brother. Please. Let all that crap go and come home with us. We will …" but the sentence died in my throat, at Sam's strangled cry.

He was having a crisis. He staggered badly, curled up by an excruciating ache, and shook his head violently, as if an invisible wasps' nest was attacking him. My heart went under my shoes.

"SAMMY!"

I rushed to him, imitated at the same time by Bobby, managing to catch him in time, before his legs gave way.

Sam fell to his knees, and then slumped to the ground, in the grip of a terrible pain I couldn't see. He took his head in his hands, as if he was trying to prevent it from exploding, clawing savagely the hairs, as if he was trying to thrust his fingers in his skull and clenching his teeth, seized in an unbearable suffering. He kept his eyes closed, yet it was possible to see little dribbles of tears ploughing his cheeks. Sam was fighting against an invisible enemy and slammed his head roughly against the floor, as if he had horrible images on the screen and thought that, breaking the television of his mind, they would have gone away.

"Stop… stop…." He murmured through his teeth, among incomprehensible moans and non-sense words.

Seeing him sufferings I felt my heart breaking into millions of pieces. With some help from Bobby, I tried to keep him still but it looked like Sam had quintupled his strength. It was impossible to prevent him from hurting himself. It was an unbearable sight.

"Sammy! Sammy, calm down! Calm down! Everything will be fine… Look at me… Come on, look at me!..."

But it was all vain.

Panic-stricken, I turned to the only person, in that damn room, who could help him. Dark Side or not, Cas was the only one, in that moment, who could save Sam.

"Cas! Damn it, give us a hand!" I screamed beyond my shoulder.

"No"

It was a curt 'no', cold. I became livid. Suddenly I wasn't able to breathe anymore, as if someone shot a cannon in the my chest, and floundered desperately in the disbelief and anguish. I turned, still too incredulous to get mad. Castiel's gaze was cool and distant, very calm, but of a sick calm, that only the most total indifference could give. Yet, once again I decided to ignore all the appearances and convince myself that Cas was _still_ a friend.

When we're desperate we're willing to believe everything, even the impossible. I decided to trust him again.

"What the hell do you mean 'no'? Fix him!"

"No, I won't"

This time I couldn't ignore it. I felt sick. This was the final proof of his betrayal. I felt anger exploding in my chest and spreading out through my body like fire. I slowly got up, leaving Sam at Bobby's care, and faced Cas. I was trembling with rage and I felt a damn itchiness in my hands.

"_You __lousy son of a bitch! You said you would save him_!" I screamed at him, out of control.

"Only if you would have stood down!" he replied with the same fury "I asked for your trust over and over and you denied it. I offered my help and your answer was that I could "kiss your ass". Well, now the offer's expired"

"What the hell did you think? That we'd support your plan? Look where your plan brought you! You killed those who stood up for you and believed in you, you killed your own friends! It turned you into a monster, your plan!"

I stopped but not in time. I hurt awfully. I called him _monster_. I should have already erased that word from my vocabulary a long time ago. My past quarrels with Sam about it should had been a lesson already learnt. Even on those occasions, lots of messes could have been avoided if I had restrained my tongue a bit more. But yet the fat was in the fire. A dark shadow crossed Cas' face. His expression hardened even more. Now he looked like _really_ pissed.

"Last chance: bow down or die"

If it had depended on me, I would have had no problems to leave this valley of tears and explode like a balloon. But the issue wasn't only about me. It was about Sam too. I couldn't condemn him too. At the mere thought, I felt again distress and sorrow grasping my heart. I turned to see Sam. The big kid looked a bit calmer now. But I could see that he was just trying hard to hide his pain. I must have looked really terrified because he smiled at me. A fleeting smile. "_Everything's ok"_ it seemed he was trying to tell me. But I couldn't believe him. He was breathing heavily and with difficulty, his jaw clenched with the effort of preventing himself from screaming again. All his facial muscles were tense by an inexpressible torment. His expression was made even more terrible by the tears that never stopped to run. But in his eyes there was a kind of awareness. He knew what was going to happen and was trying to be strong for me.

Seeing him like that I felt my heart melting, quickly followed by a weight on the stomach. My family was destroyed: both our parents had passed away, friends had been killed, one of my brothers was in the cage, playing with Michael and Lucifer, the other one was more dead than alive, and the last one was completely "lost". Practically, out of three brothers, no one was ok. Yeah, I still had Bobby but, it was a poor consolation. There was no will to live, no reason to keep fighting.

"Then kill us" I replied.

Then I turned my back on Cas and let myself fall on my knees besides Sam. I didn't want to die with the image of Cas, of a friend, of a brother, blowing my brains out. I looked at Bobby and then at Sam. Those ones were the faces with which I wanted go. I waited, resigned, for the final blow… but it didn't come.

I turned back. With much surprise I saw Castiel looking melancholically at the ground. He looked even smaller and thinner in his misery. On his face I didn't find any trace of anger; just a sense of deep defeat and devastation, like the one of who had lost everything. Another time only I'd seen him like that. It was when Sam and I, back from our little trip to Heaven, had told him about Joshua's message: the official abandonment act of a father toward his son. And now, seeing him that way, I had the strange and yet bitter feeling that I'd just lost a wonderful occasion to have my friend back.

But just when I was going to tell him something, he awaked from his state. He outstretched the arm toward us, opened his hand… and the world disappeared in a dazzling pure white light.

It was just the image I never wanted to see.

**TBC…**

**Of course I'm open to any suggestions, ideas or constructive criticisms. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanx to ILoveSiupernatural for her constant help and great support! Thank a lot also to all of you for your reviews and words. I hope you like this chapter as well! :0)**

**BEAUTIFUL LIE**

_I'm gone  
>The ground is shaking under<br>Feels like the world  
>May all come crashing down<br>Now your words  
>And sorrys have no meaning<br>Baby you lied_

"_Then kill us"_

At that point, I lost heart. Instead of getting me even more pissed, that sentence mortified me. I should have expected it, though it didn't manage to erase that burning sensation of delusion that turned my heart to granite. I hoped till the end that they would have listened to me.

Now Dean turned his back on me, as if he didn't give a shit about the undersigned anymore, and Bobby looked at me with a mix of disgust, anger and challenge that seemed to say: _"Look what you did! Are you happy now?"_

I arrived late, with them, uh? But it wasn't their fault. It was mine. I was the fool. How could I have expected comprehension from them? All my good actions had been wipe out by the sentence _"you work with a demon"_, all the beautiful things I built with them had been destroyed, for a moment of weakness and despair I had had. Was this one the reward for having tried to save the Earth, once again? Was this the thanks for having slogged my guts out for them, for having always put them first? Was there no justice in this world at all?

_You turned it on  
>Wasn't my imagination<br>Everybody Knows  
>That you've been running round<br>So dumb  
>Let you play with my emotions<br>Baby you lied  
><em>

I just wanted proof of their love and trust. I didn't need deals, I didn't ask for oaths. Just a damn proof. I wanted to _force_ the boys to give it to me, for this time at least; to demonstrate that they had faith in me, to support me, to see things the way I saw. But it seemed impossible. I was asking for too much. I even asked to my father to give me a sign, an indication to tell me if I was on the right path or not. He didn't show up. Fine. Silence gives consent. So I _was_ on the right path. And if, maybe, I wasn't, then too bad for the others!

I wanted so bad get pissed as hell with them. I wanted to make them pay; make them suffer for their betrayal, their lies, their tricks. Yet I didn't manage to gather enough rage that could drive away that enormous drift of sorrow that was treading my heart and taking away all my will and energy to react. If I had wanted I could have risen a finger and the entire place would have been wiped away from the face of the universe… but something was telling me that if I had destroyed the Winchester, then I would have destroyed a part of myself too: the best part.

I couldn't finish them. It would have completely annihilated me. Though I couldn't forgive them either.

_If this isn't love  
>What did I feel inside<br>If this aint love  
>How could you look in my eyes<br>Cause my heart is breakin', not falling this time  
>This can't be love now I know<br>You're a beautiful lie  
>It's just a<br>beautiful lie_

Then I saw Dean on the verge of telling me something and at that moment I reacted instinctively. I didn't want to listen to other lies from him. I opened my hand and send them away, out of my sight. I didn't want to see them anymore.

_I can't stay when I keep falling apart  
>I won't be here waiting lost in the dark<br>Now I know it's time to let go  
>And I won't take this anymore<br>I don't wanna be lonely but I can't take no more  
>You're just a heartache baby<br>I'm out that door  
><em>

But at the last moment I adjusted my aim and an energy flow, different from the rest, ended up hitting Sam's mind. His memories of the Hell were temporally obscured, like when some files are converted in a file format that you can't use to open them. It was just a painkiller, not a cure. Soon the system would be restored and so would his memories, but he would have had some moments of peace at least. That was my last gift, my last act of friendship, of sincere thankfulness for all those wonderful moments we spent together, for the help the boys had given me, for having made me feel (even if they were lying) something more than a simple friend or ally.

Maybe I'd never been truly a family for them… but they _really_ were for me.

_Cause my heart is breakin', not falling this time  
>This can't be love now I know<br>You're a beautiful lie  
>It's just a<br>beautiful lie_

But the next time I wouldn't have mercy.

**TBC...**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here we are again! Hope you like this chapter so maybe you'll forget about my little delay ^^". Oh, btw, thank you so much for your beautiful reviews of the previous one. They always are a great support to me. A big 'than you' also to ILoveSupernatural for all the help she's giving me. _Grazie__bella!_ **

**Now, back to the story… **

**WHO KNEW**

At the beginning I thought – this was it. The end. A very intense light, dazzling, burned my eyeballs, yet I didn't feel any pain; nor cold or heat. Nothing. Not even a physical sensation. Then came the darkness. And that darkness started changing and tingeing with the colours of the night. Familiar shapes emerged little by little from the shadows, thanks to the faint glow of the stars, and I found myself at Bobby's, spread out on the humid earth, staring at the heavenly vault. My head was buzzing like a swarm of angry wasps, eyes burning from the blinding grenade caught in full face and I felt something heavy that was squeezing my left leg mercilessly.

Getting up a bit on my elbows, I saw it was Sam and, beside him, Bobby, both KO. Even through the darkness, barely lightened by the cold light of the moon, I could see Bobby's chest rising and falling regularly and could hear his breath, but no sound came from Sam. He lay pale and motionless on my leg, with his head bowed beyond my knee, in an unnatural pose.

Fearing the worst, I got up and took his pulse. The faint pulse beating under my fingers was weak, almost imperceptible, but it was there. A wave of relief ran pleasantly over me and, little by little, I felt also my heart starting to beat again. The main thing was that Sam was alive. Until there's life there will be hope, right? We would face all the rest later, whatever it would be.

I held him firmly under his armpits and tugged him to the mangled body of an old grey Mercedes which was nearby there, along with its fellows of misadventure. I leaned Sam against the door of the car and felt his pulse again under his throat, to make sure he was really alive. Thankfully it was still there. I was going to shake him, but the fear to awake, this way, also all his inner demons and that Army of horrible memories paralyzed my hands.

Instead, I sat next to him, watching Sam for a long moment. His features were soft and relaxed and a lock of hair slipped down slowly till it covered his left eye. He looked so calm and tranquil in his sleep and it was a vision that always broke my heart, because in was in moments like that I could see it clearly. All that innocence, that purity, that peace that he should have deserved from life but he'd never known. It was in those moments that the true essence of my little brother emerged. Sweet and soulful, serene, because his big brother was always watching over him.

To prevent myself from sinking furthermore in those melancholic thoughts, I decided to check on Bobby. Leaning heavily against the same car, I dragged myself to Bobby and while I was drawing breath, I looked, instinctively, at the sky. And I felt terribly sad. I had lost a brother that day. I would have preferred that Cas had just killed us. It would have been more bearable than to live in that endless nightmare which make our future days. I felt tears clouding the eyes but I didn't have it in me even the strength to cry. I felt so empty, so lost.

Cas was right when he'd said that we shared a more profound bond. Because, in that moment, I felt it unmistakably extinguishing, leaving a part of my soul in the darkness and in the cold.

_If someone said three years from now  
>You'd be long gone<br>I'd stand up and punch them out  
>Cause they're all wrong<br>I know better  
>Cause you said forever<br>And ever  
>Who knew<em>

I was so seized by my own self-pity that I hardly became aware of Bobby's awakening, tearing me away from those gloomy thoughts where I'd unconsciously fallen again. When he noticed me, he looked at me with an almost terrorized expression, mouth slightly open but the eyes well dilated and aggrandized by the shock, clearly shocked to see me alive.

"You ok?" I questioned him, placing a hand on his shoulder and already searching the answer in his eyes even before he could give it to me.

"Awesome" he replied backing up. Then, turning casually to look around, he noticed Sam beside him and threw me an interrogative glance full of apprehension.

"No. He's fine" I reassured him. But I corrected myself immediately "For now, at least".

Bobby turned towards Sam and felt his forehead, repeating the same gestures I'd done with my brother just a few minutes ago. It made me smile and, for a brief second, all that anguish that was eating me was replaced by a warm feeling of tenderness and gratitude for that old drunk man, that second father, so worried for his son that even my word wasn't enough for him.

"Did you try to wake him up?" he asked me after he was done.

"No, not yet" I answered, trying hard to not think about what had happened in that damn room just a mere moments ago. I wasn't ready to watch again my little brother suffer yet "One problem at a time, ok? First of all…" I grabbed Bobby's arm and helped him raise himself with a single, forceful stroke "... help me carry him inside".

So I took one Sammy's arm and put it around my neck. Bobby did the same with the other arm and together we tugged him, step by step, in the house.

It was harder than I thought. I could feel Sam's dead weight pushing me down and at every step and my legs menaced to give in, while his arm was literally killing my neck and most of the shoulder muscles. Sometimes I looked at Sam, to see if he was going to recover but I saw only his head slumped in the vacuum, his hair obscuring completely his features. And I couldn't help but feel terribly responsible for his state. After all those times I swore myself to protect him, that I would have always been at his side and never let anything happen to him, I had failed yet again. Why did I let all this happen? Where did I go wrong? Why I wasn't been able to save Cas from himself and so even Sam form all that pain and suffering that would never let him alone henceforth. I was the big brother. It was my job to protect him. If I wasn't able to do it, then what was I?

Ironically, came to me some words Cas had said in one of the few last moments when we were still a family.

"_You're just a man"_

The truth was that I wasn't strong enough. I'd never been. Even Cas must had figured it out. That's why he didn't come to me to ask for help when he'd needed. I'd let everybody down.

_When someone said count your blessings now  
>'fore they're long gone<br>I guess I just didn't know how  
>I was all wrong<br>They knew better  
>Still you said forever<br>And ever  
>Who knew<em>

But Bobby had always been beside me, like he was even now, at my side, helping me carrying my brother. Rather, he was the one who was taking almost all of Sam's weight. I was weak, tired and broken but Bobby was carrying the both of us, struggling like hell but without any complaints and pulling like a crawler. I smiled. We really were a pretty picture. I threw a quick glance to that old sponge. Although our future appeared disgusting and totally shit, our survival uncertain and the pain to bear insupportable, at least I wouldn't have been alone. I could always count on him.

Maybe we could make it.

**TBC….**


End file.
